first letdown.

Okay, so my symptoms were killing me, and I had to test. Today marks 9DPO. Annd... BFN. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Huge letdown. And when I was done, there was a bit of pink on the tp. I think that means AF is on her way. Stupid witch. I'm just really sad right now. I was really hoping. Hopefully next cycle will be it, but all I can do is try and cross my fingers that it goes right. If AF isn't here in a week, I'll test again, but I'm not holding my breath.

symptoms of who?

Okay, so I feel like crap. I'm having symptoms up the wazoo. I have no idea what-so-ever whether they are AF symptoms or symptoms of another sort.... They aren't anything like the AF symptoms I was used to, and idk if they are more wonderful withdrawl symptoms? Or dare I say they could be pregnancy symptoms? I am at CD34, 7 dpo right now. I am randomly nauseous, really tired without having to do much to get that way, gassy (to the point of having MAJOR gas pains a few nights in a row), lightheaded these last two days, I have cramps, but they are different from my usual AF cramps. They feel different in a way I can't really explain. I have back pain (worse than I used to get with AF), headaches, heartburn without eating anything, I've been having to run to the bathroom SUPER often. More so than usual. And I'm not drinking more than I ususally do.... And I'm overly emotional. But I'm always emotional with AF. I have a few more days until I think AF should be here, so we'll have to see, but I can't help but get my hopes up.

When I see that bfn, I'm gonna be a mess. (I'm trying to think negatively, so it'll be less of a letdown if it happens.) Anybody have any tips for NOT going nuts in the TWW?

Intro to "the blog"...

So I think I'll use this first post as a sort of intro to the blog... giving you a little more info on me and what this is all about.

First off, I am writing/upkeeping this blog as a sort of chronicle of my TTC journey. I suppose I am sharing this publicly with the world in case I come across situations that may help others, to get input or advice on issues that may develop, to let my friends and family keep track of what's going on, and also to possibly make some new "in-comuter friends".

A little background!!

I have had the baby fever BAAD since I was 15 (when I began watching my nephew in the evenings every day.) and I have had it bad since then. I wanted kids even before that, but as the responsible person I was, I knew it would be much better in the end to wait. Really though, I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. I think it's my purpose in life. When I was little, when asked by my teachers what I wanted to be when I grew up, my response was always that I wanted to be a mommy. They tried to tell me that wasn't a job, but I knew better. When I came into puberty, it hit me hard. Like a baseball bat. I had the most irregular cycles, accompanied by earth-shattering-can't-stand-up-just-lay-and-cry (sob)-in-pain cramps, migranes, the works. I thought I'd surely die. It was so bad that I couldn't even get out of bed, let alone go to school, for the first 48-36 hours of AF. My Gyn at the time decided (along with my mom and I) that the best course of action would be to put me on birth control to regulate my cycles and hopefully resolve the other problems in the process. I was 13.

Fast forward to current times!! (Well, relatively current). I had a scare with abnormal cells in my cervix at the end of last year, and began going to see a REAL gyn again. I much prefer him to the nurse practitioners at PP, so I continue to go see him since my insurance covers his practice as well. On July 22nd, I had an appointment to see him for a 6 month follow up, to be sure that all of the cells were gone, and I decided it would be a good time to bring up my issues that had come up again with the pill.

Wait, back up a sec. I need to explain what I mean by "issues with the pill". You see, I have been on quite a few different brands of pills, all low-dose. After taking them for a few cycles, a few after the "breakthrough bleeding" stopped, I would start having super bad cramps again, uncontrollable mood swings, major headaches, life interrupting fatigue, and AF would return, for weeks straight at a time (sometimes not even stopping until I switched pills)... among other things. Whenever this would happen when I was going to PP, they would simply put me on a different pill. It would resolve the problem for a few cycles, and once again the problems would crop up.

Sooo... I had been having problems with the most recent pill again, and I decided to bring it up to "Dr. M". He did some tests to be sure that it wasn't something more major wrong with me. The tests concluded that, in short, all that was wrong was that my body was no longer accepting the hormones. My body was trying to fight them, and ovulate anyway, causing all of the problems I was having. It was possible that it was just the "off brands" that this was happening with (I never had these issues with actual name brand seasonale while I was on that) or if it would be all pills, so we agreed to just take me off of everything for at least 6 months, to see if my cycles would become more regular on their own, and if I would start feeling better. I would LOOOOOVE to be feeling better!!!! Plus, this would give me the perfect opportunity to try for a baby. The scare with the abnormal cells made me realise that with my previous health issues and the uncertainty of the future, I don't have forever to wait to start a family. PLUS I want to have a large family, and now is as good of a time as any to get started!! Wesley isn't sure he's ready, so for right now, we aren't technically trying, but we are NTNP (not trying, not preventing.) What's meant to be will be, and whatever happens, happens. But I am secretly (Ok, not so secretly hoping, he hears daily how much I hope) that we will get pg soon!! The doctor has cleared me to try, and gotten me started on a multi vitamin, high in folic acid, and evening primrose oil (to combat the cramps).

I am finally at the tail end of the "hormone withdrawls", though I am still overly tired, and still having the headaches and moodswings, it beats the HECK outta the crap I was suffering with the pill. And even better, I have been "charting" this cycle. It's exciting to learn what's going on in my body at any given time.

ANNNNNND I am sooooooooooo thrilled that with this cycle, the first since I stopped taking the pill, I ovulated REGULARLY!!! Right on time for if I was "normal" (CD27). So hopefully this is a good sign, and everything stays "regular" and it doesn't take so long to get our BFP!!

Wish us luck???